[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan