Drive as I say, not as I drive.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Grow up never but we old may grow we
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired