I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.