living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
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That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.