Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on