I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
X-tra spooky blend
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
get you a girl who
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?