You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.