Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The glockness monster
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish