I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda