I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party