You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
😜
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana