me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
getting old is fun
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I am patiently waiting for your email
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.