HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
the battle rages on
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”