Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
This tweet has been deleted
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.