Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
You Might Also Like
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
what day is it?
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*