It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
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I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”