This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not