If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My inexpensive home security system…
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
A short story of betrayal:
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.