Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
no such thing as a dumb question
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
that’s really how it is
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.