[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
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Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup