Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
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Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well