[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
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Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Who did it better?
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
🐕🍷
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs