You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
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If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.