[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
no
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*