*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
You Might Also Like
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
mathematically impossible
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.