Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
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[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Taking phone security to the next level.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio