We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
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Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
kids play hide and seek like
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no