Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.