stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
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You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
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