Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake