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I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
What personal space?
My dog
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Always 🥴
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
No Google it does not
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.