Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient