i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”