If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.