Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what