Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.