I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
This anagram machine is out of order.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.