Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Best table by far
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”