You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
*sewing*
A thread
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.