Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Lol.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.