1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
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Good boy 😂😂
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
How I like cutting carbs
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Well, shit
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”