[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
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Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m ready for Halloween this year
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
drew a comic about my origin story
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.