SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Good morning, Twitter 😊
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”