Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”