Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes