It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Wikigenius
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.