Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
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The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
True
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy