we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
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Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!