“I FIXED IT!”
You Might Also Like
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.