“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret